sad, lost, numb

I'm feeling sad, a bit numb, like there's something between me and life, some kind of cotton wall. Something protecting me from really feeling anything important, but also shielding me from the same. I don't know what I want in life, I feel completely lost at the moment. No motivation for anything - work is ok, but is this really what I want to do? I often feel like a fake here. I get good feedback and appreciation, I've gotten a promotion (last year) and a raise (this) - but often I wonder why. I spend half the days doing nothing, doodling away, and I'm still not really into the whole SSR business. Ok I've learned a bit, you have to after 4 years, but I often feel lost when discussing these issues. And I cannot keep wondering why no one sees it? Perhaps my boss doesn't get it since he likes the sound of his own voice so much that when we discuss things I usually only have the chance to nod my head in answer. Ok, I'm exaggerating but if I don't want to address some issue it is never a problem as he will talk for both of us.

So no real motivation for work. Partly perhaps because I know that even when doodling away half of the day I still seem to impress people, so why work more? Partly because perhaps this is not what I really want to do in life. But the question is what the hell I actually want to do??? How to know? How to find something that makes me feel happy to wake up in the mornings, motivated to go to work, like I'm actually doing a difference...? I don't know, but I feel numb.

Perhaps I'm feeling numb, scatter minded, lost, with problems to focus and reduced libido just because I have this sickness? Perhaps the answer would just be to start taking the pill that exists but which my doctor thought was not necessary yet as I'm on the border between 'normal' and 'abnormal' levels. I don't know. Perhaps it's all due to my work. Perhaps that's why I often feel more in love and happier when travelling, when away from here.