I do. Every now and then. Tonight was such a night. Surrounded by people I know quite well, all having fun, dancing, drinking, enjoying the night. And all of a sudden I just get this feeling like I do not belong with this group of fun, nice people. What am I doing here? I don't dance like them. I am not as fun as them. I am not one of them.
I have a similar feeling sometimes when someone tells me I'm one of their best friends, or even their best friend. Usually this comes from persons that I feel the same about, but for some reason, at the same time as their comment makes me feel happy, I cannot understand why they would be telling me such a thing. I am the person who at 11 or 12 years old, once sneaked away from a group of friends as I was convinced they wouldn't realise that I was gone. And when they did and came to look for me at home, I hid in the garden as I was so ashamed. How do you tell people that the reason you disappeard was that you were not sure they cared enough to notice? How do you tell people that you think so little of yourself at some moments that you think that your presence is completely unnoticed? You cannot tell anyone such a thing without looking like a freak and, even in my darkest moments, I have always understood this.
These days I am better. I don't go missing without telling people to check if they care enough. When I have my down days I blame it on being tired. And quite often it is indeed linked. Like this weekend, after a full week of conference while organising a second one to take place in 10 days, hence a week of lots of stress, the weekend is kind of an anticlimax, the moment when everything comes back and hits me in the back. Hence the kind of weekend when in the middle of dancing I suddenly loose all energy and sit down. Or get into a fight with my boyfriend as the easiest way sometimes to get out of a party is a fight, so I pick one un-intentionally, and as I am too tired to accept any mistakes from him -the poor guy. Or I just stay at home. That is often the best solution. It is funny to what extent reading a book can really help sometimes.
I am quite a bizarre creature. Although often quite sociable, this green fairy also needs time by herself, time to contemplate, to sleep, to get new energy and to withdraw within myself. As everyone knows, of course, fairies spend a lot of time alone ;)
