sudden feeling of betrayal

How to explain how i can fall from feeling all happy and pleased with myself to feeling quite sad and unsure in just a few minutes. One second i was all happy and feeling good because i managed to get our counterparts to accept changes to budget and content of a project, while also getting praise for my work. Next, I suddenly got the feeling that one of my best friends was making fun of me behind my back. Paranoid? Perhaps. but regretfully i'm not so sure and hence i'm not so sure anymore that this good friend is actually such a good friend. So perhaps the sudden fall of my mood is explicable. Just sorry i could not have been allowed to feel happy for a bit longer for once.

my hat off for mr. cleese

Is there anyone out there who does not follow the US presidential election, at least partly? Anyway this is one of the better commentaries by an old favorite:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR3eUjD6y6o

Gooooo Cleese :)

happy moments and grumpiness

You know when you're walking around being constantly a bit grumpy and easily irritated and you just don't know why? And then something happens that makes you feel all happy and warm and relived inside, and suddenly you realise what has been borthering you all the time.

So nice when that happy moment comes and you can relax again. This just happened to me today - so now i'm walking around with a stupid smile and don't even care anymore that it's raining outside :)

i'm a dreamer

Head up in the clouds, I seem to have a tendency to let my imagination run away with me, creating dream castles out of nothing and picturing myself living in this new place, this new city or....

Yesterday, we went to visit an apartment as we have been thinking about moving closer to N's work and perhaps finding something slightly bigger. In my mind before even visiting the place, I had pictured us loving this new superb big great flat, moving in and getting everything ready to have a christmas move-in party with a lovely christmas tree and decorations. I even went so far as to stand holding some decorations for the tree in my hand yesterday lunch. And I was so disappointed, still before seeing the apartment, that there was another person interested who would have priority to it.

My N. is also a dreamer in many ways, but perhaps a bit more realistic and kept telling me to wait until after we had actually seen the apartment before planning the things I need to sell in the old apartment, who should take over the contract and before being disappointed that perhaps we would not be able to move into the new dream apartment (ah, if he had only known about the housewarming christmas party all planned out in the movies in my head he would probably have been really worried ;)

And he was of course right. The apartment was nice and in the perfect location but the kitchen way too small for what I want, the apartment and building too old for N's taste, and my current apartment (soon to be OUR current apartment!) is at least as nice and has this great big sunny kitchen that I just love. So we are going to fix up my apartment with some new storing places and a big new kitchen table to be able to really use the kitchen as it is meant (meaning, having people over for dinner, brunch or whatever and not having to limit the number to only 2-3 guests since the current table is so small), I will need to make space in the cupboards (meaning finding other ways to store my small amount of clothes, shoes, handbags and… help!) and we will hence turn my apartment into our apartment. At least until we find an apartment that really takes our breath away.

In the meantime, I'm now dreaming about how to make the kitchen warm and cosy with a big table seating friends for Sunday afternoons/dinners, what to put on the wall to make the living room lovelier, and of course where to put the christmas decorations - in short how to turn our apartment into a dream.

The objects change - only the dreaming persist :)

Lunchbreak

The whereabouts of my babbling colleague...

I've already written about my new colleague who is constantly talking or making noises. And no, she has not stopped yet! No matter that I'm wearing headphones and trying to concentrate on something. Anytime anything does not work on her computer she has to share it with me and ask me for help! And no - i'm not the IT person here. And no - i don't really care if the internal notes from our last meeting are perfectly outlined in the document or not. And yes - I do have better things to do than helping her with the notes from the meeting, than helping her with layouts for a stupid internal document that no one will probably read and no one cares how it looks, than hearing about her problems with the colour printer when she wanted to print new etiquettes for the folders!!!! I thought hiding behind my headphones was a good idea - but I guess I have to find something better. the question is what???

I try to avoid her when working, but in contrast to my old colleague who used to sit behind her computer while i sat behind mine - meaning that we did not see each other except for when we looked over on purpose, the new one is sitting a bit off to the side of her computer (probably killing her back and neck) so that she can constantly see me when she looks up. Great...

the joy of a bathtub or the moment i went completely crazy

You might have heard about different people having a cold, or a real bad cough, or a stomach flu lately - the joy of autumn - and then there's me. In the last 3 weeks i've managed to cover them all, one after another. It seems that if someone so much as sneezes 200 m away from me I will catch it.

So yesterday, after a good wake-up and preparation for work, I left and half way to work decided that I was too sick to actually go in and hence turned around and went back home and into bed for the rest of the day. Or, part of it. In the afternoon, I suddenly felt really really bad, burning up and dizzy, sitting on the edge of the bathtub trying to feel better when I for some reason ended up in the tub AND then decided to stay there as it was so cool and nice against my burning skin, the only place where I actually felt ok. Stayed in there for about half an hour, no water, just my damp sweaty skin against the coldness of the ceramic tub, sleeping. If anyone would have walked in at that moment they would probably have thought I'd gone completely crazy. and perhaps i had.... ;)

sick and picked on

Figthing through the morning in order to feel ok enough to even get into work after spending more than an hour just coughing and feeling like shit (same thing yesterday). And what awaits me at work? A nice mail telling me that I need to start coming in between 9 and 9.30 although I'm not supposed to take the mail as criticism…. Fine - the fact that I was coming in between 8.30 and 9 most of last week when I was not sick (the week before and this week I have been sick) does not count, probably because I usually manage to come in early on the days when my boss is travelling or even on days when he has come in just before 10 and of course has no idea if I've been there for an hour or just 5 minutes………

I know I can be lazy some mornings, but it feels like shit to get picked on when I should have stayed in bed and the only reason I'm here to start with is for some stupid obligation feeling since we have a deadline tomorrow. Perhaps I should just pick up my stuff and return home again and not care about any deadlines or anything.

:(

travelling again...

I'm off travelling for another weekend and really looking forward to it since I'm going to see my sweet friend A who has moved to Barca for a year, and I love both her and Barca :))

At the same time, I must admit that I'm very pleased that my next weekend away, to Budapest that time, will be with my lovely boyfriend! I love travelling, love seeing new places and revisiting old ones. And I know that I'm privileged in that I can travel and see so many wonderful parts of the world. However, I'm also privileged to have met a wonderful man and being away from him all the time feels a bit sad, so just happy that I have a great trip ahead of me now and that the next one I get to share with my love.

And then a resting cocooning homey month all in Geneva in November, before going off again in December. The perfect time to make some more space in my drawers... ;)

Yummy dessert

On Saturday after an afternoon cuddling with my cousin's kids, I just didn't feel like going out so we decided to stay in eating something nice and watching a movie. However, what was this 'nice' dinner going to consist off when the plan had been to eat outside. Well the main course and salade was fine, but dessert (and we both LOVE dessert)?

In my usual way of throwing a few ingredients together to see what happens, I was lucky and made one of the yummier desserts so far. Very easy and good, so thought I'd include the recepy here:

1 banana
1 fresh figue
perhaps 15g of butter
some brown sugar
ice-cream (walnut one if possible) for serving

approx. 220°

I cut the banana into slices and the figues in 8 quarters and put all the pieces in a glass form on top of a half of the butter. Then I sprinkled sugar over everthing and finished by putting the second half of the butter on top of the bananas to melt over everything. Left it in the owen for approx. 20 minutes, taking it out after half the time to poor the created juice over the fruit, and checking regularly. Served in bowls topped by ice cream. Yummy and perfect size for 2. miam

new haircut...

As usual after a few months, I felt the need for a change and went and got a new haircut yesterday. A bit shorter, but nothing extreme (and I am known for having gone from blonde to blackish brown, or to kind of zebra striped white and dark brown or....) and I got nice comments from everyone at work. But at home.....

Well, my boyfriend asked me why I had cut my hair without asking for his permission first (his permission!!!) as he preferred my old cut (which was not a cut but a grown out old one falling into my eyes every two seconds). I countered that I did not ask since I do not need his permission to cut my hair... his argument was that now since we live together.... but that of course has nothing to do with my haircut! However, I would now ask him before I painted the living room green for example...

Thinking about it, why haven't I painted it green before? A green living room must be the perfect colour for the green fairy, and had I done it before he started to move in (well, move in and move in, so far he has about one smallish bag of clothes at my place so let's re-discuss it in a few weeks) I would not have had to ask for his permission ;))

Oh, and I almost forgot. Before going to bed when I was thinking out loud if I actually liked my new cut, I got the lovely question: why, has your hair started to turn grey?

Men!!! I guess you just have to love them :)

I'm grateful...

Read somewhere that it is good to recall some things that you are grateful for at the end of each day (minimum 1, but if possible 5), and although it is not the end of the day I will start making a list for today's good moments to try to send out some positive vibes in the world instead of my normal negative views (although our assistant is still driving me crazy ;).

So here we go. Today I'm grateful for:
* my mother - as every day, the fact that she is always there for me no matter the subject, important ones or small stupid ones like the recipe I asked for yesterday and she provided with a smile today
* wakening up in the arms of someone I feel so good with, and having the right to fall asleep in those arms in the evenings, to lie down next to him and just feel all the tension of the day disappear
* not to have to worry about one thing anymore
* asking for help from friends and receiving it with a smile - thank you!
* my job - yes strangely enough for once I am ;)

constant mumbling....

Monday afternoon (I first wrote morning so you can understand my state of mind, I’m still trying to wake up and get back into working mood) only and I'm already getting irritated with my new colleague's bad mumbling habit. She is, in fact, constantly speaking or mumbling, probably about 80% of the day.

If it drives me crazy? Guess!
If it makes it just a tiny bit difficult to concentrate on anything of value? Of course not... I like having my thoughts interrupted every 2 minutes ;)

The mumbling part is almost ok as I can block it out with my ipod when I need to concentrate. But the constant talking part, the 'oops, did I disturb you, I did not see that you were listening to music', followed by me explaining that I do this when I really need to concentrate, followed by another break-in 5 minutes later. To ask about something work-related you imagine... incorrect!!! To bla bla bla about something. Inconsiderate is just her first name... and she is here for a 6 months replacement, sitting right opposite me. Is she the person that will finally drive me to change jobs?

How long would you go before you told her off? I don't want to create a bad feeling at work, but if a person does not understand subtle and not-so-subtle hints, there must come a moment when you have to sit down and ask her to kindly let you alone. No? As it is, I can really only concentrate after 17h when she leaves for the day, to be disturbed again at 18h when the cleaners come... Maybe if it continues like this I will get fired for not producing anything and won't have to worry anymore about mumbling and talking colleagues ;)

good night, and good luck

A few nights ago I watched Clooney's movie Good Night, and Good Luck - a bit late perhaps considering that it came out in 2005 but still very interesting. If you haven't seen it, do so as it will remind you of the red scare hunt in the US in the 50s under Senator McCarthy's insane reign. And for a historian like me, who loves to make correlations between old insanities and more current ones (and other things than insanities of course), this communist hunt in the 50s reminds me a lot of the similar hunt on anyone that might be a terrorist in the US following 9/11.

In a book I just finished on a completely different subject, was mentioned the story of this man from Bali who had been living in the US for years without problems, was married to an American woman since a while back but hadn't come around to apply for a regulation of his situation - hence the marriage was for love and not to get the right to stay. Following 9/11 and the fright for anything Muslim or anyone from a Muslim country in the US, all people from certain countries including Indonesia were asked to go and register with the authorities. And this Christian man from Bali followed this decree and went with his wife. He was called back for an individual meeting in the afternoon, and asked to neither bring his wife nor a lawyer, and in a naive stupid way he followed the order - just to be sent off to a camp without any news to anyone about his whereabouts (his wife only managed to track him down after several days). He was kept there for some months and then shipped off back to Indonesia with his hopes of ever being allowed back to the US close to a minimum - although being married with an American! His crime? Being born in Indonesia and therefore was accorded no trial, no lawyers and not even the right to inform.

Witch hunts seem to come and go, only the subjects of imagined terror changes.