Do you ever get angry at the world? (written 27/05)

Angry at people and the way the world works? I do. I get angry and even more so, i get disappointed. Not only about big things either like wars, genocide (i'm currently reading a very interesting book, though a bit too centred around the American response, about the history of genocide throughout the 20th century: "A problem from hell: america and the age of genocide" by Samantha Power), female circumcision, deprivation of rights, mass stereotyping and cultural misunderstandings, world leaders, starvation.... No, I also get angry about smaller more personal stuff.

Currently, i'm more and more disappointed by the people around me, and yes, i do understand that it is mostly my fault for expecting too much from people and consequently allow myself to get disappointed... perhaps this is what growing up means? but still... how not get disappointed when you try to organise a cool important day for a common friend, you put in hours of work, you manage to get places to open earlier, you try to calculate everything to manage a day full of memories for an affordable price, and some people pull out last minute threatening all your plans. It's not that important, I really do agree, but it's a source of disappointment and not really because of all the work, but mostly because you realise that not everyone values friendship the same way, that many are those who come along only as long as they do not have anything more interesting to do, who do not sacrifice anything for a friend, for one day in their lives...

I'm disappointed when talking about the death of a good friend and how it affects me, how it felt to meet up with his girlfriend for the first time since the accident, how spending the evening with her brought back everything when i have tried to pretend he is still alive, when i have hid behind my "wall of feelings" – and then the other person changes the subject to discuss the weather! Now, i understand that it can be difficult to be part of such a conversation, but still!

I'm disappointed when people that i thought were friends turn out not to care, when they disappear at the worst moments in your life - when you've just broken up from a 5 year long relationship, when the guy you like a lot (and the "friends" are aware of it because you confided in them) leaves the country, when there is the slightest complication and for one moment you forget your smile, forget to be happy, party and talk about more important stuff than feelings, such as shoes, shopping, hair, the next party..., when you feel a "friend" slip away and you ask them if something is wrong and they answer "no", but then turn around and tell common friends things about you behind your back....

I'm angry with life because there are great people out there, there are people who are real friends 'come what may', and for some reason these wonderful people seem to be the ones that life turns on bringing them grief, sickness, worries and even death.

I'm disappointed because i used to be a dreamer, an optimist, believing the best in people, and i can feel that i'm changing. I liked to dream! and it makes me angry that i'm loosing this ability to see the best in people, expect the best, but i'm also getting tired of getting disappointed.

I'm sad because most of my best friends live far away, the guy i like lives far away, and one of the best guys i ever met just left for a place even further away long before what should have been his time. I miss your smile my friend.

"Bada bada bada"

Last weekend in Geneva was warm and sunny, even though not as warm as today where it is 30° outside at the moment... in the shadow! Warm weather in geneva of course means going down to the "beach". Now the beach here is not the kind you might expect if you normally travel around the pacific islands, or even greece - there is no sand here of any colour. Instead we have geneve plage made out of grass mostly and with swimming pools, the wake board centre where they have put nice wooden floor to lie on, the popular and cheap "les bains de paquis" which is in fact a pier and hence made out of concrete, lots of rocks around the lake where you can make your own pick and where getting into the water is on your own risk and peril, and a bit further away from the centre a few other grass beaches. The only sand beach is of course fake, and minimal, hence the name "Baby plage" :) Anyway, a warm sunny day still means going down to the lake or onto the lake if you are lucky enough to own a boat or have good friends who own a boat which is even better, but which might not always be that easy to programme except if you chose your friends after their money/boat possession.... which perhaps is something i should contemplate but has not yet been my case ;)

So Saturday, which was my day with my cousin Susanne and her little boy Anton, after a lovely "almost home made" gaspacho soup while little Anton was sleeping, we made it down to Geneva plage, one of the more child-friendly beaches in this town (let me mention by the way that on the way back up through the park de la grange, i suddenly understood how come my cousin can be so thin and how she became so thin that quickly after having had her first baby, pushing a pram is hard work!!! - now she's not as thin anymore at the moment but the reason for that will soon be very evident ;)) Our main objective of the day according to 18 month old Anton was to "bada bada bada", hence to swim swim swim.... Luckily for us since the weather had been really cold the week proceeding this "bada"-day, and the lake hence very cold indeed, geneve plage includes swimming pools even for little ones. Thus, after having found a nice empty spot next to a tiny tree (and, as it would turn out soon, next to another group of swedes with a small child - these people are really everywhere...), having spread out our stuff and had a nice a bit over-washed ;) fruit salad, it was time to "bada bada bada"!

or at least so we thought.... after a first approval of the almost warm water, it soon appeared that water is actually quite scary business... and especially not very nice to get into your face.... and just when it looked like little anton would overcome this initial hesitation, he tried to clap his hands in the water and splash around him like his old-cousin did (yep, i'm the old cousin....sounds so old!!! an aunt or something sounds younger, so i'm usually just referred to as cousin helena, luckily),

anton lost his balance and dived head first into the water. now, he only stayed under lets say an approximation of perhaps 1 second before his lovely mum pulled him up into her arms but that was enough for one day and from then on "bada bada bada" meant being splashed a bit by water while sitting on mother's hip, and running around next to the pool (a real good idea of course, but guess he's not old enough to understand the idea of slipping and falling into the pool...). In fact, the idea of swimming/bathing was a lot more appealing than the actual act of doing it. It seems like "bada" is something best done hypothetically, at least for the moment, but then again the summer is just starting..... ;)

Barcelona in April - better late than ever

For my 30th birthday, my dear brother gave me one of the top gifts ever - a long weekend with him in Barcelona!!!! The reason why this was such a cool gift, was not only that I love Barca and was very pleased to go back there again, 7 years after the first time. The main reason why i loved this gift was that it meant that i would spend some quality time with my brother!!

Now, those that knew us when we grow up will remember that from the age of approx. 5/8 years old (and yes, he's the older one, even if some people have had the tendency to doubt this lately) we were like cats and dogs! Not only did we fight about anything and everything, we were also quite mean to each other, and no one ever knew better than him how to drive me crazy through teasing. I admit, we did have our good moments as well, and we did share some cool times on vacations in Slovenia and so on, but most of the time....cats&dogs, or should i say brother&sister. However, once Robert left for a year in the States, or actually, once he came back we started to change our cats&dogs relationship into something a bit more relaxed, and we slowly grew closer. In fact, the more years we have spent a part (him in the army, away studying elsewhere in Sweden, me in the States, and then in Geneva for the last 10 years), the closer we have become until my dear brother is now nagging me about when i'll be moving home again...

So, I was excited about meeting up with him in Barca and have some fun together in this cool city of Gaudi. And fun we did have, even though it was the only place in Europe were it was cold and rainy that weekend, we did have lots of fun and even managed to get some sun towards the end. Shopping, la segrada, bars, restaurants, the port, la rambla, a cool nightclub, Barca against Mallorca at Campo Nuevo with some 60'000 other people screaming, cheering, enjoying the match in the cold - the dream of my brother and yes, you were right, it was an incredible experience, just walking in to the stade, feeling the athmosphere, watching one of the best teams play in real, and sharing this with my brother who was pleased like a child! it was really really cool even if the match wasn't the best one (well at least barca won at the end), even for a non-football fan like me, it was still worth it !!!

So all that which Barca is well known for and....of course....what did you expect?... some disagreements ;) It would seem that spending 4 days together just the two of us was perhaps a bit long, at least to start with when we for the first time in years, perhaps forever had to spend that much time together. So yes, we got into some fights, we still know how to get to each other better than anyone else (we are siblings, what do you expect?, it's the law of nature ;), and we are both as obnoxious, knowing that we are right. But those moments passed, the sun came back up and my memory from Barca is that it's a real cool place and being there with my brother made it even better!

Tack lille storebror för en underbar present/helg!!! Du är bäst :)

.... And yes, we promised that we will make more trips together in the future, though perhaps the next time we even allow other people to come with us - so if interested.... ;)

More picture can be seen at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lna_la_fee_verte/

Quite happy today - ok, i admit i shouldn't be after having spent another 2h in the phone to south africa trying to confirm 2 meetings tomorrow (in total each meeting has taken approx. 2 calls a day for the last 2 weeks plus a numerous of attempts with no one answering...), with the rain pouring down outside most of the day, working still at 21h at night organising last minute business, with lots of personal mail to write but never finding the time, and after a half-shitty weekend, but i still do :)))

The stressful day was still quite interesting, felt productive, life felt good, there was lots of chocolate from all over the world at work (even some from Sweden - thank you Kristin), talked to my hugely missed friend who's hiding in Azerbaijan and it was great to hear her voice, and got the news that a friend of mine that's coming to Geneva for a very short visit will actually stay a bit longer meaning that we can meet :)))))))))

Good part of Geneva - you meet cool people from all over the world, different people working in many different fields, students, people passing through, people here for many years, it's fun, it's cosmopolitan, there are always new faces around, you hardly ever get bored.

Bad part - your best friends tend to leave after a while, often several at approx. the same time, leaving you sad behind, missing them and wishing they would soon come back....

Good part - you have friend all over the world if you ever find the time and money to travel, and they sometimes come back to visit and it's like they never left in the first place! and with sms you can keep in touch for hardly any cost around the world (exception: ethiopia where one of my best friends has decided to live but where sms are forbidden).

Time to go home for some homemade bolognaese sauce (no, not a new interesting man in my life taking the time to cook for me, regretfully, but my own recepy done in the early morning Sunday after a 2h long fight between my neighbours prevented me from sleeping more than 4,5h.... but my sauce is really good, you should try it sometime, so quite happy about that actually ;)

too long time....

Was just going to pass some time writing a little bit about what has happened in my life in the last month since I created this blog - but ended up spending half an hour trying to figure out what my login name and password was, trying 50 different variations of the login name, and several different passwords though i was pretty sure i knew the right one... finally made it, but now it's time for me to leave so will have to write a bit more some other time. serves me right, starting a blog and then not writing anything for a month.... yes i know, miriam, i promise to write more often!

ok, time to go home on my rollerblades as the sun is still shining though the clouds have been menacing the sky with rain the whole afternoon... freedom of rollers - you should join me by the lake some time... (by the way, had my first dip in the lake about 2 weeks ago, 15°, but still wonderful thanks to the warm weather :))