Do you ever get angry at the world? (written 27/05)

Angry at people and the way the world works? I do. I get angry and even more so, i get disappointed. Not only about big things either like wars, genocide (i'm currently reading a very interesting book, though a bit too centred around the American response, about the history of genocide throughout the 20th century: "A problem from hell: america and the age of genocide" by Samantha Power), female circumcision, deprivation of rights, mass stereotyping and cultural misunderstandings, world leaders, starvation.... No, I also get angry about smaller more personal stuff.

Currently, i'm more and more disappointed by the people around me, and yes, i do understand that it is mostly my fault for expecting too much from people and consequently allow myself to get disappointed... perhaps this is what growing up means? but still... how not get disappointed when you try to organise a cool important day for a common friend, you put in hours of work, you manage to get places to open earlier, you try to calculate everything to manage a day full of memories for an affordable price, and some people pull out last minute threatening all your plans. It's not that important, I really do agree, but it's a source of disappointment and not really because of all the work, but mostly because you realise that not everyone values friendship the same way, that many are those who come along only as long as they do not have anything more interesting to do, who do not sacrifice anything for a friend, for one day in their lives...

I'm disappointed when talking about the death of a good friend and how it affects me, how it felt to meet up with his girlfriend for the first time since the accident, how spending the evening with her brought back everything when i have tried to pretend he is still alive, when i have hid behind my "wall of feelings" – and then the other person changes the subject to discuss the weather! Now, i understand that it can be difficult to be part of such a conversation, but still!

I'm disappointed when people that i thought were friends turn out not to care, when they disappear at the worst moments in your life - when you've just broken up from a 5 year long relationship, when the guy you like a lot (and the "friends" are aware of it because you confided in them) leaves the country, when there is the slightest complication and for one moment you forget your smile, forget to be happy, party and talk about more important stuff than feelings, such as shoes, shopping, hair, the next party..., when you feel a "friend" slip away and you ask them if something is wrong and they answer "no", but then turn around and tell common friends things about you behind your back....

I'm angry with life because there are great people out there, there are people who are real friends 'come what may', and for some reason these wonderful people seem to be the ones that life turns on bringing them grief, sickness, worries and even death.

I'm disappointed because i used to be a dreamer, an optimist, believing the best in people, and i can feel that i'm changing. I liked to dream! and it makes me angry that i'm loosing this ability to see the best in people, expect the best, but i'm also getting tired of getting disappointed.

I'm sad because most of my best friends live far away, the guy i like lives far away, and one of the best guys i ever met just left for a place even further away long before what should have been his time. I miss your smile my friend.