shivers....

"This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath."

Just a small part of a great speech. Perhaps a new era? At least, to be sure, a more eloquent speaker has entered the White House. Shivers...

Gaza

I have not commented on the current war in Gaza, and I won't do it today either as there are a multitude of experts out there a lot more knowledgeable and interesting than me. I do however follow the happenings in the area as much as possible, considering that some days I just cannot take even more bad news.

Here is therefore an interesting article in the wake of the new US presidency by someone with experience in the region. And hopefully one day there will be an end to the terror.

a tight belt - the new dieting tip?

I'm wearing a belt today which makes me feel quite fat, and implies to me that perhaps I shouldn't eat since then it becomes too tight…. Not very comfortable but perhaps something I should wear all the time… no wonder why women were thin in the years of corset wearing - who could eat anything more than a bird portion with that kind of thing choking you? But then again they also had a tendency to faint quite often….

running addict? well not yet but....

Went running at the gym yesterday. Needed to get rid of some of my negative thoughts, all that negative energy swivelling around inside me. No matter what the reason was making me feel so down, my body needed help getting rid of it.

Was supposed to go to the body combat, which is usually one of my favourite ways of ridding my body of any negative thoughts as you kick and hit away for an hour. However, some new choreography meant that we were supposed to pair up and right then I just couldn't take pairing with anyone (if there had been anyone available that is, as everyone was already paired up), so I left. Looking around the gym the running belt really felt like the only exercise which was 'violent' enough to make me feel better, where I could really get an outlet for my anger, irritation, and sadness.

30 minutes and 5 km later, I came off the belt red as a tomato, sweating and super tired. But also, feeling happy for the first time that day. All that anger and irritation had left my system and it felt good! I remember a time in my life when the only way I could get through most days was to go for a run. A time when I could chose between either running or completely trashing my room as I was hurting so much. I am far from that stage now, but it's funny to feel how much good a long run still does to me. And although I prefer running outside rather than on a belt, the effect is almost the same. So, perhaps, I will turn into a running addict again.

sad, lost, numb

I'm feeling sad, a bit numb, like there's something between me and life, some kind of cotton wall. Something protecting me from really feeling anything important, but also shielding me from the same. I don't know what I want in life, I feel completely lost at the moment. No motivation for anything - work is ok, but is this really what I want to do? I often feel like a fake here. I get good feedback and appreciation, I've gotten a promotion (last year) and a raise (this) - but often I wonder why. I spend half the days doing nothing, doodling away, and I'm still not really into the whole SSR business. Ok I've learned a bit, you have to after 4 years, but I often feel lost when discussing these issues. And I cannot keep wondering why no one sees it? Perhaps my boss doesn't get it since he likes the sound of his own voice so much that when we discuss things I usually only have the chance to nod my head in answer. Ok, I'm exaggerating but if I don't want to address some issue it is never a problem as he will talk for both of us.

So no real motivation for work. Partly perhaps because I know that even when doodling away half of the day I still seem to impress people, so why work more? Partly because perhaps this is not what I really want to do in life. But the question is what the hell I actually want to do??? How to know? How to find something that makes me feel happy to wake up in the mornings, motivated to go to work, like I'm actually doing a difference...? I don't know, but I feel numb.

Perhaps I'm feeling numb, scatter minded, lost, with problems to focus and reduced libido just because I have this sickness? Perhaps the answer would just be to start taking the pill that exists but which my doctor thought was not necessary yet as I'm on the border between 'normal' and 'abnormal' levels. I don't know. Perhaps it's all due to my work. Perhaps that's why I often feel more in love and happier when travelling, when away from here.

A void of a day

One of those days when everything feels grey, empty and full of cotton. A day when the weather seems to reflect my mood perfectly or is it the other way around. A void of a day.

interviewer or interviewee

Just had quite a bizarre meeting where our possible new assistant came for a discussion about what her work would consist of etc. The meeting went well, but after she left I had the strange feeling that rather than her selling herself to me, I was actually sitting there trying to sell working with me to her!

The reason is probably twofold. First, this girl has 2 job proposals and is trying to decide which one to chose. Second, we did our BA together, and were 'friends of friends' going to some of the same dinners etc - hence I feel a bit awkward being her possible new boss and made some strange balancing act between 'supervisor' and 'friend'....

Hmmm well now it is only a wait until Friday (her deadline for making a decision) to see how successful I was. If she chooses to work for our department then that will be great as we really need the assistance. If she chooses to take the other job, then I will be able to make a real interview with the possible candidates - one where I can be the interviewer and not the interviewee ;)